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Ok…so what happens between the time my head hits the pillow until my alarm goes off in the morning that renders my nostrils useless?

Seriously…every single day I wake up with a mouth frozen open in dryness, an arrangement of crumpled tissues around my head and a serious case of the grumpies.  Is it too much to ask to be able to breathe out of my nostrils at night? Pleeeeeeeease? I mean, if you’re gonna cut me off from 11pm to 7am, then just get rid of them all together – because let’s face it – that’s some crucial nose breathing time!

So what’s going on at night? Is Santa moonlighting and dropping nostril cement through my chimney every night? (Ok, so I don’t have a chimney, but I have a large draft under my front door! That counts!) Is my body adverse to me lying horizontally?  Is Kleenex sabotaging me so as to keep the demand for their supply up? Which, by the way, if that were true- they wouldn’t need to bribe me – I’ve been an avid consumer since I can remember.

Yes, I was that girl in your college class – the one ALWAYS blowing her nose. Always crinkling open the mini tissue packs. But I was also the one on camping trips or road trips who had the extra tissue. Yeah, you weren’t giving me dirty looks then – were you?

I need a solution. Seriously. I want to sleep and breathe through my nose…I’m desperate!  I even thought of taking a prescribed sleeping aid; however, as I confessed to my doctor, I was afraid I’d suffocate in my sleep because I’d be so drugged I would not be able to wake up if I stopped breathing! (By the way my doctor stifled a laugh and told me this was not true. He attempted to assure me of this, though I am still skeptical…)

Any ideas? Other than sleeping upright? Which, yes, I have tried and No, it’s not worth it!